Oh, For Shifts’ Sake!

No, that is not a typo in the title.

I am going through massive shifts in my life, in my career, and in myself.

Frankly, it’s scary.

These shifts started last year with some major eye-opening situations in both my professional life and personal life.

Life Shift:

December 2021, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable stage 3-B lung cancer. (She was never a smoker.) I was driving home the night of November 28th after my mom was admitted into the hospital and there was Christmas music on the radio. Every song I heard during those two days she was in the hospital made me cry. Christmas stopped being happy. Christmas music did not bring me joy. 

Fortunately, she came home the next day.

My mom is going through once-a-week chemo treatments and five-days-a-week radiation treatments. Her treatments started in January and will last six weeks in all. I am bringing her to all of her treatments and caring for her.

Her last chemo treatment is on Valentine's Day.

Career Shift:

The day my mom had a biopsy done, I received a rejection that broke me.

Background: In 2020, I submitted to an independent publisher (who shall remain nameless) that rejected my story, but one of the line editors gave me feedback that I used—with the help of an amazing critique partner—to make my story better. I was invited to resubmit in six months. 

April 2021, I resubmitted. 

In June, I received an update from the assistant publisher asking me if they could have more time reviewing my submission. Of course, I granted them more time and my hopes rose, but months went by and no response. Come October (six months after I resubmitted), I started to query agents again. 

Then on the day my mom had her biopsy and got her official staging diagnosis and it was confirmed she has cancer (eight months after I resubmitted), I got the rejection from the publisher. A form rejection. After all that. After resubmitting and them asking for more time, I got a form rejection, and on the worst day possible. 

Saying I broke is an understatement.

I shattered.

I asked myself “what’s the point?”

You see, I’ve persevered through a lot. I’ve persevered through poverty and disability and countless rejections and depression and burnout and anxiety, but I felt at that time that I didn’t have anything left.

I had given everything.

“What’s the point in even writing anymore?”

Yes, I had asked myself that.

In the past, when I got hit, I’d say that I was going to quit, but then I’d be back at it an hour later.

This was different.

This was like an internal death. I didn’t see the point in even writing. I didn’t see why I should bother with any of it.

I did not write for the rest of December.

I did not work on revisions for Charm so I could submit it come the new year.

If you don’t read my newsletter or follow me on Instagram, Charm is a contemporary romance with a hero who is my response to romances published in the 90s by bestsellers. The heroes in those books committed sexual assault/harassment against the heroines and that was considered to be HOT. Those heroes were forceful and didn’t listen to the heroine when she voiced her boundaries or said it plain with a “no.” I wrote a story with a hero who is the complete opposite of those jerks but still sexy. More so, even.

 

My muse was still alive, though.

I got evidence of that on December 29th when three words came to me in the middle of the night and right after them, a story idea.

I did not, however, work on that idea then. I had no idea when I would write again.

On January 9th, I created character profiles and decided this project would not be a novel or even a novelette (because I did not and do not have it in my to write a novel or novelette right now). It’ll be a graphic novel, instead. I will not be doing the illustrations, but I will be creating the script and storyboard with the panels. I adore graphic novels and I think I’ll have fun with this. It’s also a new challenge that I need.

I wrote a tiny bit on this graphic novel one day in January, but mostly I was too busy with life and doing some self-care.

I still have no idea when I'll get back to Charm or querying or any of my other WIPs.

And, honestly, I'm not sure where I’ll be by the end of the year in terms of my writing, but I’ll take you along the journey with me.

Internal Shifts:

In 2020, I learned a lot about myself. I spent much of the year dedicating myself to body literacy. I also did a lot of anti-racist work (unlearning, learning, sharing, amplifying). I also healed from old and new wounds. I grew. I grew into myself.

If there’s one thing you can do during a pandemic, it’s to get to know yourself.

In 2021, I stepped even more into myself. I learned that I’m asexual. I did more work as an ally, specifically learning how to support Native peoples and transgender people. I am more vocal in what I stand for and what I don’t. As a result, I’ve created boundaries and stepped away from certain situations.

***

This year, I feel shifts happening within myself because of the other shifts occurring in my life and because I am actively growing and seeking more knowledge about myself.

2022 will be the year that I quantum leap into who I am supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do. I know it, I can feel it.

So, although these shifts are scary and ongoing, I know I’ll get through them and be stronger and wiser on the other side. I know this because my past experiences tell me this will happen.

Knowing this doesn’t make any of this easier to go through, though. That positive outlook (which can be very toxic) is unattainable in the moment of struggle and during massive shifts, but deep down, I do know this. 

I am strong.

I am growing.

I am shifting into my true self and where I should be in my life.

I believe we’re all going through huge internal and external changes because this time calls for it with the pandemic and all our awakenings. Those who are open to it are growing and shifting.

So, be open.

Shift with me.

We can do it together.

QUESTION: Have you been experiencing any shifts in your life, career, or in yourself?

Musical Inspiration: