Advice for Introverted Writers - Do's and Dont's

Introverts struggle in many public situations, especially those with crowds of strangers. We can usually fake it till we make it, and can also do a decent job of being social when the circumstances require it, but it takes a toll on us. In the moment, it can take a lot out of us to gain the courage to break out of our shells, even if no one else sees it.

My Story:

After an awkward exchange with three authors with personalities much bigger than my own, I had told them that I’m an introvert. The most vocal author, who practically glowed with extrovertism, gave another author a look that said, “Ha! Do you believe that?”

I noticed this exchange, which only overwhelmed me even more. At that instant, I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be at that table. I wanted to be home, in my comfort zone, my safe place, far away from looks like that.

Instead, I wheeled in a bit more courage and didn’t allow myself to let that look go without addressing it, something I would’ve done when I was younger. I looked both of the authors in their eyes, letting them know I noticed their exchange, and said, “I fake it very well.” I didn’t owe them an explanation, though.

I had several awkward moments with this vocal author during an event the four of us were a part of together. For instance, for my first intro to readers, I shared my author tagline; I was the only one to do so. The next time around, though, the vocal author shared her author tagline, which sounded very similar to mine. In the moment, I couldn’t help but think she did it on purpose (because she went before me). There were a couple more awkward moments that I tried to play off with laughter and jokes aimed at myself, but it did not help how I felt.

This other author and myself just did not mesh well in this situation, which is funny because the two of us were the first ones at our table and we talked and got along fine. Then things changed when the other two authors joined us.

So…

How do you handle situations where your introvertism is butting up against someone else’s extrovertism?

DO:

1. Take a Deep Breath

Counting to three while inhaling and three while exhaling can calm our thoughts and help us to maintain our composure.

2. Smile

You know that saying, “Kill ‘em with kindness”? Well, being the bigger person really does work. So, smile like you mean it. Not only are you using your kindness to combat the awkward situation, but you’re also faking it till you make it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

3. Play it Off

No matter how annoyed or overwhelmed you get, or how awkward things feel to you, play it off. I know I felt uncomfortable with this other author, but I used lighthearted jokes, even at my own expense, to get myself through those instances. And the readers had no clue, either.

4. Give the Other Person the Benefit of the Doubt

The extrovert may not know how they’re affecting you and may not be doing anything wrong in their eyes. Realize that this is how the person is in life and to everyone. Once you can accept that, you’ll be able to handle any situation with this person.

5. Give Yourself a Break

You may not be the only person in that situation whose introvertism is butting up against this person’s extrovertism. Others could be feeling the same way. More than anything, you’re doing great as an introvert, getting out there and doing what you need to do. No matter how you feel with someone you don’t mesh well with, give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back for leaving your safe place.

DON’T:

1. Ignore the Extrovert

Ignoring someone will only make you seem cold, childish, or worse yet…rude. You don’t want people to think you’re any of those things. It’s better to acknowledge the other person by smiling (Do #2) or by playing it off (Do #3).

2. Show Your Feathers are Ruffled

The moment you show aggravation, you get painted as “the problem.” It’s better to take that deep breath (Do #1) and do something else that can allow you to discreetly pull yourself together and try not to show how fed up you may be.

When I needed to hide my annoyance, I signed all of my printed swag that I’d be handing out to the readers and pretended to not know what was going on around me.

Take a moment for yourself, too. Even if you have to politely excuse yourself to use the restroom. Do it! You’ll be all the better after a calm minute to yourself.

3. Snap

Saying something rude or snippety will only taint your image in the eyes of everyone else around, and whomever the recipient of your words tells. Instead, try one or all of the tactics mentioned above (breathe, seek a solitary minute, smile, play it off.)

4. Complain

While at a social event, you may have the urge to complain about that person to someone else, but I warn you not to do that. You never know who is friends with that person, and the last thing you want is for your complaints to get back to that person, who may not have intended what happened or could view it in a different way. Once again, this will turn you into “the problem,” and you could be dealing with consequences bigger than your own feelings.

5. Check Out

When we get overwhelmed, we can withdraw into ourselves. Don’t sit there with your arms crossed pouting, stewing in your anger, or on the verge of tears. Rather, interact with others around you. Anyone. This will show your good side to everyone else.

At the end of this interaction with a strong extrovert, or any social situation, your energy will be depleted. That’s the thing with being an introvert; these things can really take it out of us. We need time (this could be days) to replenish what we spent, so take as much time as you need. And for putting yourself out there and surviving that strong extrovert, I say, “Proud of you, Introvert, proud of you!

QUESTIONS: Are you an introvert? Have you ever had an awkward face-to-face exchange with someone more extroverted than yourself? How did you feel in that moment and how did you handle it?